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Vuyani
Once upon a time, I thought I was going to be happy and my life was going to go as I planned but now I know that our lives are fashioned in a different way.
I hate that idea but I will have to live with it. I am hungry, no food in the fridge and nothing in the cabinet; my brother was being an ass and decided to take all the money and leave me with nothing - I will just be hungry. Did he do it intentionally? I don't know. Actually these days I know nothing, I am just existing.
My mom is going to be discharged soon and I don't know what to do next. She resigned and I thought by this time I would have been supporting her and that she wouldn't have to stress about anything.
I am lost, really lost. I don't know whether to feel angry or scared. The deadline for BYU and other university is in two weeks time. I haven't gotten my matric certificate, no money to apply and my mission forms are just there on top of a few stuff, in a file and probably getting dust.
I always wanted my life to be a good life, like the one people would be jealous of and they will give you compliments and you would giggle with grace because you are rich, superficial and empty.
I haven't given up on faith nor God because I know something will work out. At times I feel like a fool, a naïve in fact, always seeing the good in every situation. Honestly, I just can't get angry forever, it lasts for a few hours then its gone. Am I human? Is this normal?
Honestly, I think I am being oblivion but deep inside I am at peace even though I am stuck deep inside so form of mud - my mind is at a state of absolute tranquil. My breathe smells and I reek but I am not bothered by that, the house is dirty and my mom gave me a few errands to do for her but I just don't feel like doing anything.
I think I am a brilliant write, maybe I should invest my time on writing some sort of novel maybe that would give my life some sense of meaning.
I feel like talking to someone but I judge that it would be a waste of my time and emotions. Anyone who says it's going to be alright I swear I will punch them with my fists or something. Of course it will be fine, duh I know. I just wished it would be fine now and not tomorrow, in week, a month's time or moreover a year.
Dammit, my stomach is so flat, in fact it looks like a pothole because there is nothing the hydrogen chloride will eat up, there is nothing in my stomach nor colon and I feel like laughing.
I have three months left in South Africa and I want to do something meaningful. Give someone something just to make their life better and eat all the foods I want, go to Cape Town because I can or maybe spend the month of December in Europe with my family. And yes driving my Mini Cooper Paceman - Goodness, dreaming feels so good even though I want to vomit and die for an hour.
Why though? Why? I am not a bad person, I wish nothing bad for anyone seriously anyone. I just want to help and that's not helping. I want to throw this phone and break it because the network just went away 'Battery to low for radio use'. Seriously? I charged this phone a few moments ago, now I not going to watch Bones and definitely not in the best terms with my scripture study.
I hate complaining but today I think I am entitled to throw around a few tantrums, don't you think? I mean really, my life is at ground zero and yes I want to feed the missionaries but there is nothing I can offer because Anele left with the money. My two wisdom teeth are broken and I don't have three grand to pay that dentist. What's the point of having medical insurance whilst it can pay for certain procedures.
Those guys are going to hate me - hahahaha! I am joking they won't they will understand after all they are missionaries. I feel so good after writing this but still I have nothing to do.
Sleeping won't work, I am kind of annoyed at that hobby it wastes time that I most certainly have. What do you call this state in life? I will call it, acting in faith even though your mind believes nothing will work out. I trust God and I will let him direct my ship.
I am this person and I will be content about it for a while. This tooth hurts, its giving my life problems I can't afford, eish! Sigh!
With love,
Me.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone.
