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Complaints of a complainant

I know some time I will die and I will leave a few people behind maybe many. I do not know what life or God has in store for me but I am scared.

Once upon a time, I thought I was going to be happy and my life was going to go as I planned but now I know that our lives are fashioned in a different way.

I hate that idea but I will have to live with it. I am hungry, no food in the fridge and nothing in the cabinet; my brother was being an ass and decided to take all the money and leave me with nothing - I will just be hungry. Did he do it intentionally? I don't know. Actually these days I know nothing, I am just existing.

My mom is going to be discharged soon and I don't know what to do next. She resigned and I thought by this time I would have been supporting her and that she wouldn't have to stress about anything.

I am lost, really lost. I don't know whether to feel angry or scared. The deadline for BYU and other university is in two weeks time. I haven't gotten my matric certificate, no money to apply and my mission forms are just there on top of a few stuff, in a file and probably getting dust.

I always wanted my life to be a good life, like the one people would be jealous of and they will give you compliments and you would giggle with grace because you are rich, superficial and empty.

I haven't given up on faith nor God because I know something will work out. At times I feel like a fool, a naïve in fact, always seeing the good in every situation. Honestly, I just can't get angry forever, it lasts for a few hours then its gone. Am I human? Is this normal?

Honestly, I think I am being oblivion but deep inside I am at peace even though I am stuck deep inside so form of mud - my mind is at a state of absolute tranquil. My breathe smells and I reek but I am not bothered by that, the house is dirty and my mom gave me a few errands to do for her but I just don't feel like doing anything.

I think I am a brilliant write, maybe I should invest my time on writing some sort of novel maybe that would give my life some sense of meaning.

I feel like talking to someone but I judge that it would be a waste of my time and emotions. Anyone who says it's going to be alright I swear I will punch them with my fists or something. Of course it will be fine, duh I know. I just wished it would be fine now and not tomorrow, in week, a month's time or moreover a year.

Dammit, my stomach is so flat, in fact it looks like a pothole because there is nothing the hydrogen chloride will eat up, there is nothing in my stomach nor colon and I feel like laughing.

I have three months left in South Africa and I want to do something meaningful. Give someone something just to make their life better and eat all the foods I want, go to Cape Town because I can or maybe spend the month of December in Europe with my family. And yes driving my Mini Cooper Paceman - Goodness, dreaming feels so good even though I want to vomit and die for an hour.

Why though? Why? I am not a bad person, I wish nothing bad for anyone seriously anyone. I just want to help and that's not helping. I want to throw this phone and break it because the network just went away 'Battery to low for radio use'. Seriously? I charged this phone a few moments ago, now I not going to watch Bones and definitely not in the best terms with my scripture study.

I hate complaining but today I think I am entitled to throw around a few tantrums, don't you think? I mean really, my life is at ground zero and yes I want to feed the missionaries but there is nothing I can offer because Anele left with the money. My two wisdom teeth are broken and I don't have three grand to pay that dentist. What's the point of having medical insurance whilst it can pay for certain procedures.

Those guys are going to hate me - hahahaha! I am joking they won't they will understand after all they are missionaries. I feel so good after writing this but still I have nothing to do.

Sleeping won't work, I am kind of annoyed at that hobby it wastes time that I most certainly have. What do you call this state in life? I will call it, acting in faith even though your mind believes nothing will work out. I trust God and I will let him direct my ship.

I am this person and I will be content about it for a while. This tooth hurts, its giving my life problems I can't afford, eish! Sigh!

With love,

Me.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone.

He Knows!

If this doesn't make you cry, nothing will.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone.

The Inauguration of Confusion.

I feel nothing at all, nothing. No pain, no sadness, no disappointment nor happiness.

Its like I have switched off my humanity, completely dead or decaying but without visibility. I wonder, am I going to be like this? Is this what the future holds?

Awed.

Is this the life the great one has planned? My mind is like a feather ripped away from a wing, slowly dying out, drifting in all direction with no destination.

Bewildered.

Looking at the mirror, all I see is me, just me - no change, no dent, same everything. Just me. Trying so hard to figure out where does this empty vessel come from.

Panic.

I move to my bed, cover myself in blankets but sleep is no where to be found. I tried crying but all of the tears are gone, dried up somewhere on my pillow. Nothing is left. No smile, no twitch just me, inside myself but not knowing this person.

Stupor.

Screaming was far-fetched, I just have no voice. My vocal cord feels sewn to my stomach, all the sound goes to my lower abdomen.

Doubt.

She then enters, "how did it go?". Confused, I tilt my head, opened the gate and moved away. I answered but I had no control of what I was saying.

Sceptical.

She spoke again, I see her mouth moving but I hear no words. I can't read her lips. 'Can't you see, this is not me', I thought. My mind was boiling with calculations of what is going on. Is this psyche. Am I dying?

Blackened my heart feels, no shades of happiness - just devoid.

Destitute.

She continued though nothing was wrong, honestly, its me, I am fine but I am not. Do you get it?

Am I dead? I know you can see me but can you see me?

Barren.

Is it me? Don't you recognise me, am I there? My word, I feel nothing, I am nothing.

Jolt.

This has to be a movie, a picture from a musuem or a storyline deleted from the final ending. Just me, inside but completely not myself.

No sound within, no emotion just utter immunity.

Let me watch this motivational video, so I did but no response from me, its like it deja vu. Like those teddy bears you hug, something is said then defunct it goes.

My pulps are fine, my hands feel okay. I am not numb, I am fully animate but exanimate. Do you understand what I am saying? Does this make sense?

Reverent.

'Your skinny all of a sudden?', she said. Am I? She is talking but nothing registers, her feisty self is roaring and I am just lost somewhere in myself. I am not depressed nor anxious just simply sterile.

Marvelled. Void. Beguiled. Uncertain. Time is going and I am still in the same place. Its like walking down a long, dark corridor never knowing when the light will go on.

Desolate.

Sometimes it just suddenly hits me like slanted rain, hard, cold and painful. This overwhelming feeling engulfs me into utter darkness, hapless I feel and it just goes on and on.

Its like I am in a cage, where I am both the prisoner and the heartless jailer. I think it hurts but... Its okay, I am used to it.

Can you see it? The dead weight on my body, the dizziness from nothingness, the soft tears throbbing your cheeks as struggled tears pumped out of your Lacrimal Gland?

That's it.

That is the beauty of dying, sweet, calm, unwarranted and not complicated.

Wait. Because maybe you could be the one who saves me.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone.

I will edit.

I am really sorry for not editing, I promise to not do it again. Excitement got the best of me. Sorry
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone.

The One Who Gone Soul Surgery (Chapter 4): Good things never last.

The cock crow twice, the sun yawned and its rays shot in the like arms of one who had just woken up. The breeze brushed off the night's warmth and hugged my ears.

I remembered walking outside taking my morning walks - barefoot - to the debris and undressed barren street, the scent of sun-roasted sycamore dressed the air by that testament I knew today was going to be a good day.

The frost covered vibrant leaves crackled under my feet as if Papa was tickling me. The scenery rich crisp copper gently falling of the tree like spiders coming down their web. Up I look the trees overlap each other, the clouds breaking off, exposing the richness of life with light.

Papa came outside for his regular smoke. He grabs a bunch of swamp-reeking tobacco leaves, patted his breast pocket and took out mint leaves to aid the smell.

'Hey cabbage... out already?', he said pushing the crushed leaves in his pipe.
'Why wouldn't I be? Today I go to school. Last time I checked you told Mama you weren't talking any puffs'

'Well, today I need it'.

He lit his leaves and the wind blew the sparks of fire accompanied by the leaves out of the pipe, almost burning his beard. 'Serves you right', I laughingly said moving into the house.
Inside the house, a pot of cinnamon tea brewing in the whistling pot, I warmed my hands up by the fireplace embracing the patting fire.

Unathi and I prepared, we wore our short pants to expose our attractive slim legs while the boys all wore long pants. The school bell rang vehemently, the rowdy crowd assembled in lines. A few announcements were made and the day began.

Unathi parted to her class and I was all alone caught in the middle of boys' territory. The stares most certainly alerted me that they knew I was different, the vicious anxiety kicked in, the excitement invested vanquished.

The atmosphere of the classroom was calm and quite, I made my way to the front sat by the window, I saw the tree I used to climb and all fears went away. The lady teacher entered the class and greeted everyone, the smile she wore made the impression that she was good-hearted.

'Hello, Teska. Hope you have adjusted', she said giggling, 'Don't worry these boys won't know your secret, you and your sister are brave, thank you for that.'

She patted my back and smiled. The day ended and my gender was unannounced.

                          ***

I dreamt again but this time something different, this one in particular was confusing, without clarity just bleak images shot in one thought.

Now I see them in my dream, the strangers kissing me and pushing my head in a swamp with bloody hands.

Its a beautiful dream at first, it just had rained, Unathi and I playing on mud; throwing mud balls to the bee hive on our fig tree in our back yard. Laughing, we threw a bigger ball, the hive shoke but still nothing came out.

We ran to see if there was anything inside. All we heard were buzzing sound produced by the worker bee reminding the others it was not safe out there and they should do what it takes to protect their home.

We moved back to take hold of our vintage point behind the mustard tree next to the reed infested swamp. We worked out a plan on how we can scare the bees and take hold of their honey. We reminded each other that Khertya cookies are only pleasant when honey is in place.

We drew up our secret combination and identified all stones that could create a hive quake.

I led with the first strike but to my greatest ambition I miss the hive by an angle. Unathi tries and she triumphantly fails.      

'My turn now', announces Sayji, Unathi's classmate. We turned around to see his face. Slowly he came out, retrieving mud from the ground.

He threw the ball and hit the hive. It violently span and suddenly the twig it hung on broke and the habitat accelerated to the boulder next to the tree. Aware what was going to happen, we looked at each other and bewildered with excitement and fear.

The hive hits the large rock with a fearful sound as if the tree itself had fallen and snapped in half. The hive cracked into pieces and the residents of it were ready to act.

The buzzing bees came out as arrows ready to injury, some passed as bullets from a pistol.

We went our separate ways, I ran for life without knowledge where the others had went. I continued suddenly it became dark and I was in Hjahski Hajst Hurk - The Forbidden Forest. I knew that I was in trouble - I was all alone.

I ran back but came back at the same spot. In an instant a car roared behind me and I froze.

'I am in danger', I thought. I ran.
 
I am being chased by car in a forest, tall trees everywhere, I run without direction but that didn't matter.

The headlights exposing the nakedness and full anatomy of the lifeless forest. I finally had found refuge behind an oak tree and wolf howls playing somewhere towards the east.

Up ahead there was a cave. Creeping along slowly, I moved toward it. There was silence. I cleared my eyes still couldn't see anything. The darkness surrounded me, wrapping in its chill embrace like a hug from a dead person. I ran deeper. Suddenly I heard a faint sound.

Keep walking. I swiftly felt the sound in my whole body, it’s deep tone raising goosebumps on your skin, tingling as it vibrates down my spine. It is the heartbeat of fear. By way of touch I found a pile of leaves. I lay on the center hiding from the light exhibited by the vehicle. The cold leaves covered me from head to toe, and I dunked my head down, recounting ancients warriors of Hetah emigrating from my current state.

A dark figure lingering in the distance. I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer. I opened them, two feet stood in front of me, white eyes looking down on me and cold fog seeped under its boots. Its scalding hands grabbed me without care and its all dark - blurred visions and I pass out.


I opened my eyes there was a small yet deep pond close by. Sighing in relief, he walked up to the edge. I realised I was tied. Gazing into the water, I saw sinuous forms gliding through the cerulean liquid.

A gigantic splash of water moved away and I was the cause. 'I am in water, I drowning'. I felt my lungs filling with water I tried to scream but my voice was hardened, bouncing in my vocal cord like a wrecking ball but not coming out.

It hurt. Looking down, I saw a small school of fish, gently nibbling my feet. There was a swoop of wings and a small splash. Above, I looked over to see two swans drifting over the water’s surface and there he was watching me. I closed my eyes and the men laugh as they quack their way across the pond.

I opened my mouth, trying to rip the ropes, I struggled again and again.

I cannot breathe. I am out of breath, I need to breath. I untied myself and move up to gain air. Smothering hands touching my face, dragging me deep inside the deep pool. My heart races and cannot take this moment any longer.

I tried to move but my body wass weakened and hurt. My head consistently pushed as I tried to expose it for air but dipped immediately as it peaked.

I felt air moving out completely out of my system. My lungs ready to explode and my chest preparing for a crack. My heart felt compressed and my head filled to its brim. My body was light and effortlessly moved to the top of the water with the moon starring right back at me. Deeper I went under, cold the water felt.

The tangy, sweet taste of the bug it fills your mouth and I immediately spat.

A net yanked me out of the water. My vision blurred but I saw a huge stone being picked up and ready to strike my head. It is dusk now. The sharp wind blowing through the trees is cool against my skin. As the weapon was about to hit my head, I saw light.

I woke up screaming and the house was ablaze with the din of my hoarse bellow. Quietly my family attended to my cries and looked deep into my glassy eyes and they stabbed me with a sedative.

The night went to bed, the crickets and nightingale had a celebration; the sun welcomed by their choirs. It was a premonition and it was about to be manifested.      

Do you know him?

Do you get those things in life that hit you at the spot that you so longed for? That one thing in life that makes you say "I just don't care about anything else but this thing".

Do you ever get that moment? That love wave that has been making you smile all day and make you revisit good memoirs?

That instant sensation that makes life that roll-coaster ride that you always re-take because you just can get enough?

That tune that makes you sway your head in beautiful meandering motions and makes you spontaneously lift up your hands and have a thirty seconds dance party?

That feel when you get when you look at yourself in the mirror and say I am beautiful even though you have those hideous blemishes.

Do you feel that love that only comes when you need it most?

Are you happy? Are you in that happy state that wearing a frown is nothing but disgusting and totally YESTERDAY?

Are you so happy that you question every wrong thing in your life and aspire to do good? If your life was to be played in a movie screen would it be a movie that you would love to watch and be challenged to sought for greatness?

Is your life what you always wanted? Are you content and feeling those butterflies moon-walking in your stomach because this is the prime of your life?

Again are you truly happy? Do you love yourself? Are humbled by your deeds?

Well, I have something that will make you dance forever in your life. I have something that will make you smile from ear to ear because you know this magical.

 I know of a person who loved me so much that he laid his own life so that I too may be happy and have endless opportunities.

I know of a person, who bleed from every pore so that my sins and yours, regardless how scarlet they maybe but through him maybe turned white as snow.

I know of a man, who just advocates for me to our creator. I know of a man who knows me so intently that picks me up when I fall, that walks with me when all is well and wrecked. I know of a brother, who feeds me when my soul is wounded and starved.

I know of a friend who dances to my joys, achievements and the good that I do. I know of a person, who laughs with me when everyone thinks I am strange because I don't drink or think wickedness was ever happiness.

I know of a man who never mocks or judges me for being me. I know of a person who respects my decision and does not force me to do things that are not for me.

I know of a person who knows of my mission that has a vision for me and do anything for my remission and will grant me admission to his heart.

I know of a being who like my life status, tags me in words, retweets my blessings and shares his love for me.

I know of a Redeemer, who shall be proud of me when I have dedicated my life unto trusting him and know I will see him, touch him, feel the holes in his hands and hug him like I never hugged a person.

"I know that my redeemer liveth and doesn't slumber", I too like Job can say this. I too, like Abraham and Moses will speak to him.

I invite you all to come unto him. That man is Jesus Christ, do you KNOW him?